Better Communication, Better Sex
I spend A LOT of time talking to people about sexual communication. Most of the time they think I’m going to teach them the “right” way to talk dirty in bed or how to be a pro at sexting. This isn’t going to be that kind of post. This post WILL be a quick guide to making conversations about sex, fun and less intimidating, so you can get to know your partner(s) better…
We’re all in this together
Many of us have insecurities about our feelings and fantasies, especially around sex. Many of us worry about being judged or being found undesirable. These insecurities and shame can prevent us from having vulnerable conversations with others. While this lack of vulnerability may protect ourselves from rejection, it prevents us from having real, honest conversations with others… and we all miss out when that happens. Step one of good sexual communication is to put yourself out there. Be vulnerable. We’re all in this together and when we communicate with vulnerability it inspires others to do the same, letting us all build on our common interests and shared desires.
Good communication takes a lot of practice. One of the ways to practice is talking about Wants, Wills, and Won’ts that I discussed in a previous post. Another way to practice communicating is by asking each other “may I?” or “will you?” questions. Start by asking questions WITHOUT attaching them to actions.
Experiment. Try saying “no” to EVERYTHING at first… even if you want it. Then try saying “yes” to everything (remember, no actions!). Share with each other how it feels to say (and hear) each response.
You’ll be surprised how much more open and safe you feel after you practice this. Next, try asking questions again and responding with an honest “yes” or “no” answer (but no actions!). How does it feel now? Once you get used to asking, answering, and hearing honest responses, THEN practice adding in the actions. The pace may seem slow and deliberate compared to how we usually communicate, but it should help you feel safer and more open with your partner(s)… and that’s worth the investment!
I feel… I want to…
Communication can be a fun and playful way to let your partner(s) know what’s going on in your
body… and ask them to contribute to your (shared!) pleasure. One of the ways to do this is to simply share what each of you are feeling and what that makes you want to do. Share these things without the need to act at first (are you noticing a pattern, here?), then add “may I?” or “will you?” requests that you practiced before. This is a great way to tie informed (verbal) consent into body feelings, creating a juicy, sexy dance.
Communicating about sex is SO important, whether it’s during a hook up or with long term partner(s).
Communication helps you explore boundaries, play with fantasies, and get the fun connected sex that we all want to have. You’ll be surprised at how healthy communication will help you build trust, sync up with your partner(s), and add more depth to your sexual play.
Want some inspiration? Check out videos like “Hook-Ups,” “Threesomes,” and “Pleasure Mapping” in the member’s section to see how the pros do it!